This turned into something a little depressing.
I can’t even write about howI feel or what I’m thinking without getting.. Well, I don’t even know the words for it. Nervous? Angry? I don’t know. I just hate it. How the hell am I going to do it face to face.
But yet again, I’m being forced to do it. Forced meaning if I don’t do this I’ll go back to jail. I’m really not looking forward to my next two court appearances.
I just want my life back. But I know that I honestly can’t do this by myself. Knowing that I don’t have the kind of maturity to keep my promises or tell the truth is extremely depressing.The more I do it, the more I think it’s being done to me. I find it hard to trust even the closest people in my life. I know a lot of what’s going on, but I don’t want to confront people about it. I’m afraid it will just push them away, and that scares the shit out of me.
I’m always afraid of being left. It’s not the alone part I hate, it’s the act of them leaving. Those few moments when hundreds of questions about why. It’s absolutely fucking heartbreaking. The mere thought of it right now has my stomach in knots. I would rather have the few necessary people to live my life than having a bunch of friends. Ones who I know will never leave. I feel safe this way. For now, atleast.
Here’s another belief of mine.
People never change.
Thoughts.. Memories.. Never fucking change.
…I don’t think I’ll ever change.